Well, it’s upon us, folks. Another spooky Halloween. The one weekend out of the year where all of the half-naked ghouls and goblins, sexy mini-skirt zombies, and cleavage clad whatchya-ma-call-its, come out to play.
And, let’s just be honest, forget about Christmas and Thanksgiving, Halloween has become our new favorite holiday. I mean, what other time of the year is it socially acceptable to go out into the community and put your male parts and lady bits on public display? I damn sure, I don’t see Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny doing that shit….
So, here we are, squeezing into our teeny tiny costumes, pushing up our ta-tas, and finding ways to draw attention to our meat sticks. We’re cool, we’re hip, and we’re only doing it to win that $50 Wal-Mart card in the costume contest. I mean, that’s what this weekend is really all about, right… Wal-Mart and sex?
Look, ladies, I understand that it’s hard to buy a costume that isn’t skimpy. Those ass-clowns in the fashion world, the ones who tell us exactly how we’re supposed to look, have done a really good job of sexualizing everything. Hell, Halloween doesn’t even scare me anymore, because everything that used to want to harm me, now just wants to hump me.
Okay, I guess what I’m really trying to say is… I want to respect you. I want to treat you with class and dignity; as a woman, a man, an adult and a human being, not as a symbol of sexual fantasy and eroticism. But it’s hard for me to think of you any differently than that of an attention gathering, “look at me, I’m sexy, because I’m naked,” barely clothed, “sex me please,” kind of slutty clown that you’re acting like.
I mean, how can I even hold a semi-decent conversation with you when every time you “get low, get low” I see your “oh no, oh no?” And hunny, yes, you are beautiful, there’s no denying that… but I think that your nipple is showing. Is that intentional? I mean, should I tell you… or do I just let you figure it out? I really don’t wanna make it weird.
“But I’m a slutty pirate.”
Yes. Yes you are.
And dudes…. duuuudes… the ones with the body suits and cock socks… what are we doin’? Why is this a thing?? I mean, how proud can you really be?? Personally, I think you look ridiculous, put something else on, please. I understand that it’s Halloween ‘n’ all, but there is absolutely no reason for you to be scaring everyone away like that.
And bro, no. No, she doesn’t want you to rub it all over her leg and ass on the dance floor while she’s trying to get down with her girlfriends. Just stop. You’re embarrassing me, and I don’t need your help, I can embarrass myself just fine without seeing any of that. Go try the slutty pirate chick, she looks like she’d dig it.
I understand that we’re all here to have a good time; that we all just want to have fun. But listen, we don’t really have to advertise our goods this much… do we? We can respect ourselves, a little bit, right? Yeah, I get it, you’re young and dumb and just wanna have fun. Okay, well good. Me too. But if you’re idea of fun is being naked, then hey, be a stripper. At least, then, you’ll get paid to have everyone staring at your who-die-who’s and shanaynay’s.
But, hey, on the flip side… I really wouldn’t mind searching for your (semi) hidden treasure, can I buy you a drink???
Jacob Paul Patchen
Jacob Paul Patchen is a strong advocate for love, family, and laughter. He is his mother’s favorite child, his grandfather’s ornery double, and the one who offers the blessing before holiday dinner. With his background in poetry and his open heart, he sees the world in a transcendent light. With a deeper understanding of the importance of life’s “little things,” enriched by his time spent at war in Iraq, Jacob offers a philosophical, light-hearted, and insightfully energetic tone to his writing style.
Jacob is an award-winning writer and poet from Cambridge, Ohio. He was the recipient of the Beulah Brooks Brown Award in Poetry and was selected as the feature writer for Muskingum University’s creative writing magazine, First Circle. Jacob graduated from Muskingum University with a bachelor’s degree in English while focusing on creative writing, journalism, and speech communication. Since graduating, Jacob has written a script for a feature film, started a blog, thebackroadrevival.blogspot.com, (which has made him semi-famous in a small town), and is currently finishing up his debut book called, "Life Lessons from Grandpa and His Chicken Coop: A Playful Journey Through Some Serious Sh*t"
Growing up a few miles outside of a small village in the rolling hills of South East Ohio, Jacob spent most of his youth playing sports, spending time outdoors (i.e. climbing trees and hiding from babysitters), and finding his unique voice in writing. Feeling patriotic, he enlisted into the Marine Corps. Reserves during his senior year of high school. During his six year enlistment in the Infantry, he was deployed to the Al Anbar Province, Iraq in 2005. After his return from Iraq, with a better understanding of life and a renewed appreciation for opportunity, Jacob enrolled into Muskingum University to pursue a formal education in writing.
He is now living outside of Cambridge, Ohio where he balances part time work with full time play.